hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
