guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
