I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
