Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
