I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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