drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
