dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
