VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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