you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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