even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
