Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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