you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
