i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
