Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
