Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
