i used baking grease as lip gloss
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
