honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
