girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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