That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
