Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
