So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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