Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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