dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
