At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
