Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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