i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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