i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
