Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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