Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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