i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
smell my finger.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
