i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
