I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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