I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
