i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
