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but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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