time to smoke my breakfast
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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