I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
