FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
