I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
