my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The feeling are messing with the penis
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
