I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
