I want to have your abortion
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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