I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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