I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
