im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
