the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
