I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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