hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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