You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my being single is dangerous.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
