yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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