Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
