I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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