If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
