you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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