mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
