I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
