how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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