i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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